Two years later
Today is my Remembrance Day.
It’s been two years exactly.
Every second of it is etched in the landscape of my memory, because it changed my life irrevocably.
I remember that curious feeling of stepping into the world and realising that it’s not the same place anymore nor I the same person.
I remember feeling that I’d had a blow to the head by some force unseen, because suddenly without rhyme or reason, accident or injury, I’m unable to stand or see straight. If not that, it was a poisoning, an intoxication that sent me spinning like a drunk.
Realising that that unusual nausea I’d had for weeks before was leading me to this dark place.
And I remember thinking, after I’d managed to get myself home into bed, that it would all be better soon. Some bug. It would pass.
I remember my loved one coming to help me with tenderness and Valentine’s kisses.
That was when we thought it would pass.
And I remember all the days after when it didn’t pass.
I remember all the days that the doctors ignored me; the loved ones that didn’t come; the helplessness and hopelessness; the tears; laying on the floor trying to move; the nausea; the noise in my head; thinking I was getting better and then it all happening again but this time far worse; the grief of my loved one leaving me when I needed him more than I’d ever needed anyone my whole life; the grief of continued hearing loss all the way through the year; trying to walk up the street holding the walls; and all the people who didn’t know I needed help or how to help. All those little challenges I faced like how to carry a shopping bag and a walking stick without falling; how to stand on the train when there are no seats; wearing hearing aids and crying when lorries went past me for the intensity of the noise; trying to walk in wind or rain; those friends I lost because they didn’t understand.
And I remember that unbearable feeling of knowing that I was going to have to fight bloody hard for my life if I was to get through this.
And I did.
And I feel so proud of myself that I have.
Today, two years later, I’m working, studying, driving, even dancing a little bit! Lately I’ve even started going into quiet restaurants and pubs instead of being scared by them. There are so many things I’ve lost and so many struggles day to day, but I’m so grateful and appreciative for those things I CAN do in my life, and for those people who DO support and try to understand me.
I still haven’t tried lots of things and there are plenty things I know I’ll never be able to do again. My life has been irrevocably affected and it’s not going to be easy, but I have faith that I’m supported and guided and that I will find ways to lead as rich a life as I can with these disabilities and challenges.
Today I’m grieving for all that was taken from me on this day 2 years ago and the struggle I went through all these days after. Learning to live in a hearing world with hearing, visual and balance impairment. I want it all back and there isn’t a day that goes back that I don’t try to find a way to cure it. In the background there is part of me who is permanently praying for all my injuries to be corrected. And I would give every penny I own to anyone who can restore me to full function again.
…but today is also a celebration, that I got here. I’m still going! Finding pleasure and gratitude in smaller things. I’ve found a stronger calling in me to help others recover from mysterious chronic illness through applied kinesiology which I’m studying. I’ve learned many things about myself and been privileged to be helped by so many kind people.
To you who are reading this in a similar situation. Be patient. Do what you need to do for yourself and then trust in the passing of day and night, season to season, sickness to health. This time will pass. You will find your way through this and there are lots of us here in this online community who are rooting for you. We will give you strength and hope on those days when your cupeth has run dry.
And let my words reassure and encourage you that even with severe to profound hearing loss, oscilopsia, total vestibular failure and tinnitus all bloody day and night long…I am living a reasonably good life.
There are hard days…many hard times…frequent tears that others will never understand… but it gets easier with practice.
I wish all of you reading this a swift and easy recovery to full health.
Keep your head up. God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers!
February 13, 2017 @ 10:58 pm
Feeling very tearful reading this, but I can empathise. We’re all soldiers together. Keep up the good fight. Xx
February 14, 2017 @ 12:29 am
I think we are Carolyn! blessings xxx
February 14, 2017 @ 2:29 am
My 2 years is Next month. I can hardly believe it. It too is forever etched in my mind…if only I hadnt had that surgery maybe u would be in a much better place. But alas, I pray for continued strength to endure the reality of my now life, the abandonment of my “friends”, the lack of empathy of my doctors, and the struggle to wake up each day. I’m so glad you are doing better. I pray for is all that we too some day might so too.
February 14, 2017 @ 8:18 am
I’m sorry Carmen that you went through that. I pray we find ways to thrive in our new worlds and forgive those who let us down when we needed them. Thinking of you x
February 14, 2017 @ 6:15 pm
Candice, you are amazing ?
February 14, 2017 @ 6:21 pm
Aw thank you x
February 15, 2017 @ 2:06 pm
My life changed about 9 years ago when I woke up to the room spinning. My life has never been the same. I have near total hearing loss in my right ear (this “episode” started last February 2016), I have a vestibular schwannoma in my left ear and vertigo off and on. I too have searched for many years for doctors who could help me. I’ve seen specialists and ENTs and they all see me as a conundrum. No one can figure this out. One says I have Meniere’s Disease and the others say I don’t. It’s been a long journey. I’ve spent weeks in bed and more times than I care to count walking through the house like I’m drunk…my vestibular senses are a mess. But I too get up every morning getting through the day and grateful for the good times. I’ve learned to not procrastinate and get things done when I’m in the good times because there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to when “this” hits me. Thanks for your insights and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one out there who suffers.
February 15, 2017 @ 9:18 pm
A beautiful read Candice.
My 3 year anniversary was on Monday. Still struggling, especially at night, with the continual explosion in my head, oh and feeling like I’ve just climbed out of a boat in a wild storm, and nearly stepping out into the paths of cars…. But on a positive note, I now see things that I used to take for granted, like people’s expressions and of course I would never have met you.
Take care my lovely. X
February 15, 2017 @ 10:56 pm
aw thank you darling. Wishing you many days and nights where the tinnitus quietens back down to slowing water. It happens sometimes but I dont know why! One day there will be a cure! xx
October 3, 2017 @ 8:15 am
Beautiful words from a beautiful girl. Stay strong my sweetheart. Those Spirits will keep us afloat. Xxx
October 3, 2017 @ 6:53 pm
Thankyou Fiona love x
December 30, 2017 @ 4:17 am
Wondering if you are still doing the Medical Medium protocol? If it has helped? Thank you!
December 31, 2017 @ 2:13 am
Yes I am though I must admit I’m not strict about it. I do believe it is at least keeping me at a level of stability so that it hasn’t got worse. I had a hearing drop in October after a few months where I was being very relaxed about the protocol and my hearing came back up. I have faith in the protocol and one of my kinesiology clients who I’ve guided through it has now had her hearing return so she no longer needs to wear hearing aids! 🤞
February 13, 2018 @ 9:23 pm
What I took most from this is how to better help you and others who suffer but more than that what incredible kindness and strength shines through you ❤️
February 13, 2018 @ 11:45 pm
Bless you. Thank you for your kind words x
January 29, 2020 @ 11:52 pm
So interesting. February 13, 2017 was the day my nightmare started. Almost 3 years later and I am still adjusting and worried about my good ear starting to have problems. Thankful for every good day that I have but also grieve for the healthy and carefree days before. Hope you are advancing positively in your healing journey.
April 2, 2020 @ 3:25 pm
Hi! Did you loose the extra weight you put on during healing? Thanks <3
April 2, 2020 @ 11:09 pm
I think it’s coming off gradually as I work on my liver, get really regular with the celery juice and low fat mornings. I was a 10 – went up to a 12 and now I’d say in a 10-12. I also think that some of my weight gain is also attributable to the fact that I became less active because of my balance disorder and hearing loss (led socialising).